The best way to deal with narcissistic people in your personal life may be the hardest advice to take, according to an expert who has studied narcissism for more than 20 years.
The best course of action is to identify narcissistic people early on and get them out of your life, said Amy Brunell, professor of psychology at The Ohio State University’s Mansfield campus.
Brunell said that is often difficult because narcissists can be charming and likable early in a relationship. But there are usually subtle signs that you should not ignore.
“If you’re in a new relationship and you’re getting the vibe that this person is narcissistic, the best thing you can do is get out,” Brunell said. “It is hard to do when they flatter you and pay so much attention to you.”
In an invited article published recently in the journal Cambridge Elements, Brunell discusses what scientists have learned about how to understand and cope with narcissists in personal and workplace relationships.
While researchers have identified different types of narcissism, all of them have the core characteristics of entitlement, self-centeredness and a lack of empathy for others, Brunell said.
The most recognizable type to most people might be agentic grandiose narcissism, which is characterized by high self-esteem, extraversion, arrogance and dominance. This type is the one that can sweep people off their feet at first.
“People are surprised when I say this, but when I meet someone who is very charming and outgoing, I am on alert,” she said.
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“There are people who are charming and likable who are not narcissists, for sure. But from my experience studying narcissists, I think it is wise to be aware and protect yourself.”
Even early on, there may be signs of narcissism, such as a lack of empathy, a need for constant attention and admiration, taking advantage of others and expectations of special favors without reciprocation.
One thing to be on the lookout for, Brunell said, is what has been called “love bombing,” which often takes the form of excessive flattery, gift-buying and overwhelming attention early in a relationship.
While this may seem wonderful at the beginning, it doesn’t last. Love bombing is a manipulative tactic that narcissists use to control a romantic partner.
“It’s great until it isn’t, and often then it seems too far into a relationship to break it off. That’s why it is best to look for these signs early,” she said.
For those already in long-term relationships with narcissistic people, there has been new research in recent years which may offer some hope. One study, for instance, found that people who were asked to take someone else’s perspective in a situation were more empathetic – even those who were narcissistic.
Another study found that when narcissists recalled a time “when they showed concern, love or acceptance for another person,” their narcissism declined over time.
“These lines of research and others like them show promise and suggest that narcissists don’t lack the ability to change their ways for the better,” she said.
“But it remains unknown how long such positive effects last or how it works outside the laboratory. These offer some hope, but we just don’t know yet whether these tactics will work in the real world.”
People also are likely to run into narcissists at work, which can be particularly problematic if they are your bosses or supervisors.
Narcissistic bosses are often aggressive and bullying, take credit from their employees and dominate resources that are needed by others to do their jobs, she said.
Brunell said it is often best to work through formal processes provided by your employer to deal with a narcissistic boss. Employee assistance programs and human resource offices can help. Of course, that may not work in every organization.
Narcissistic leaders often succeed because of their charm and aggressiveness in getting things done. Even if they wear out their welcome at one company, their success can often help them land another job.
But what employees can do is to make sure they have clear boundaries in their relationships with narcissistic leaders.
“If you have an appointment, go in, get what you need and get out. Do what you need to manage the situation without any extra engagement,” she said.
And, just like in personal relationships, it is often best to get out: simply transfer within the company or leave the job if that is possible, Brunell noted.
While there has been a lot of research on narcissists, Brunell said there is still a lack of solid information on how to deal with them.
“People encounter narcissists all the time. But we need more research on best practices for interacting with them day-to-day,” she said.
“There’s a lot of good practical advice, but we don’t know how well it works yet.”
IMAGE CREDIT: Andrea Piacquadio.
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